How to steer your boss without them knowing
by Nigel Nicholson

Disagreements at work are always stressful. When they happen with your boss it's worse. There's only ever going to be one winner, and it won't be you. Most of us just try to avoid surfacing any differences of opinion with our bosses. We don't feel comfortable about how the discussion will go, and we are worried about what the outcome might be. If only we could control our bosses with less risk of everything going pear-shaped!

It can be done, but it takes a skill - negotiation - that doesn't come naturally to most of us. But it's a skill we can all master. Negotiation is the art of letting someone else have your way, and not letting differences turn into arguments. The good negotiator helps both sides feel that they've won rather than being dragged into an agreement.

Negotiation sounds like a skill that only those involved in industrial disputes or cinematic hostage dramas need. In fact, we all negotiate all the time. Not just at work, but with our partners, families and friends too. Maybe without even realising we're doing it, we negotiate over everything from pay rises to who will do the washing up.

So how do you do it? The good news is there's nothing magical about it. Good negotiators are made, not born. They all have the same essential skills, and those skills can be learned. Here are a few ideas to help you subtly steer your boss.

• ˆ Know your boss. You need to do this with head and heart. With your head, you have to understand what's on their mind. What are their demands and ambitions? You also need to read the heart - what stresses them out and keeps them awake at night. This means perfecting the art of really listening. A single word or a tiny gesture could be telling you something vital.
• ˆ Know yourself. Does your boss arouse reactions in you that you find hard to handle? Help your boss to understand you. Be clear and open about what you can and can't do, or fit in with. Learn to distance yourself from irrelevant and intrusive feelings. Many of your worries are just your buttons being pressed, so take a time-out and put them into perspective. Your boss doesn't want to hurt you. Mostly it's just the carelessness of a busy person.
• ˆ Help your boss. Now you're in a position to figure out what you might do to lighten the burdens that your boss hates most, and get them to do more of the things that are more efficiently done by them. This kind of open exchange leaves both parties feeling that they've won. Present your ideas as solutions to a shared problem. Remember the power of reciprocity. Give to your boss one way, and chances are they will give back in some other way.
• ˆ Reward your boss. Your boss is human. We all like to feel that people think well of us, that we make a positive difference and we do a good job. Surprise your boss by rewarding them. From time to time, note something that has gone well and show that you for one have seen it and admire it.
• ˆ Keep options open. People hate to feel they've got no choice. If you want your boss to do something, take your time and keep lots of options open. Let your boss make a choice. You're not a door-to-door salesman - as a PA you've got the time and the established relationship to take a softer approach and play a longer game, gradually edging your boss towards what you want.
• ˆ Use psychology. We pay far more attention to suggestions that we might lose something than the idea that we might gain. Your boss will pay most attention if you frame your suggestions as ways of avoiding a potential loss or difficulty. For example, you could present a training course you fancy as a means for the company to avoid losing important clients. The more immediate and vivid the threat the better - but don't exaggerate!

These are just a few pointers to get you started. Negotiation skills are easily learned, and the benefits - to anyone, at any level of a business - can be immense.

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